An Ode to Happiness...

Good bye my friend... you will be dearly missed...

Although you left me nothing but seeds, shit and screams... these are the things I will remember you by...
Although you said nothing at all... you always did make the funniest noise...
Although you couldn't understand what I said... you still listened whenever I looked your way...

It hurts a little more than I expected.
It feels a little lonelier than I predicted.
It seems you mattered more than I anticipated.

You will be dearly missed... 

Quantum Physics

Imagine a cat and a can of cat food in the palm of your hand.
When you close your palm, the environment is sealed and there are only 2 possible scenarios:
1. The cat eats the food and survives
2. The cat dosen't eat the food and dies
Quantum physics theory states: BOTH scenarios take place at the same time in your palm.
- A finite scenario only takes place when a finite outcome is chosen WHEN the observer decides to open your palm and see/decide what it is.
The observer gets to choose...

Nothing Personal

This whole world is all about competition.

Even our very existence is borne of competition. (Survival of the fittest, Evolutionary theory, etc)
In the face of competition, how can there be goodness? If resources are scarce; and always remains scarce, how would one expect others to share, give, donate? Similarly, why would one help, assist, facilitate at the expense of themselves? Without moltives, seeking benefits to oneself, selfishness, how can there be kindness, friendliness, selflessness? If doing so defeats the purpose of competition, what other purpose would it serve if not to maintain something as crucial as 'survival'. How can there be any good in this world then? Even if we try and squeeze some pure goodness out, the essence of being human is still hard to be proven as good. Following evolutionary theory, all the good guys have already died. 

Even more complicated is the relationship between these 'good' and 'evil' traits. If they are opposites, aren't they all connected? So is good borne of evil? Or do we only compare good in the face of evil? This in itself holds so much to argue about; quite distinct from the initial paragraph. 

Something wrong with my biological clock

Can't sleep when its right
Sleepy when its bright
Hungry late at night
This feeling I must fight

Fear

Never seems to disappear...

List of fears:
Work
Loneliness
Arguments
Heights
Death
Ghosts
Pain
Cockroaches

Making sense of the world

I used to think as a child, the world was 'fair'. Men and women were equal.
Both had to go through 'trials of life'.
For men, it was NS; for women, it was giving birth.
Forgive the naivety... its still there.

With this simple mind, I persist in believing the world is good natured.
Believing in choices, I persist in giving others the benefit of doubt.
Giving food and shelter, I persist in generousity.

Alas; I ask, how much is a packet of instant noodle that others are so unwilling to share?
Still, I persist in calling you a friend.

Too many similarities amongst all the complexities

I value TRUST
I value MEANING
I value ATTITUDE
I value DISCIPLINE
I value RESTRAIN
I value RELATIONSHIPS
I value MORALS

Its impossible to maintain them all in a lifetime... Which ones have you got remaining?

Wat a hellofaweek it has been...

In 1 week, I have learnt and reflected the following:

I think marriage is a hellofacommitment...
I think assessements should be better planned but not totally banned
I think people's life should be their own problem
I think some people will never understand or know what life is all about
I think love and relationships is not for everyone
I think humans will never triumph evil with good because those that say it will came from the evil side in the first place.

Wat a hellofaweek it has been...

What a dream....

Had an incredible dream last night as part of sleeping almost 12 hours.

The details of it would probably crucify me to hell on a moral high ground, although technically, I didn't commit major wrong. Which led me thinking... even in dreams, why do I hold back? Fear? Rationalism? Responsibility? Morals? Values? Which was more dominant?

Things that popped up in the dream: my old hdb flat, in the master bedroom, brother's room but no brother, cousin and uncle, an old maid which we were really attached to, an old friend I liked before. What a weird story it was when all the elements came together. But I liked it... was this my unconscious mind at work telling me something? or just simply, a dream...

Parts of it were wrong... but i liked it. chased it. looked forward to it. Maybe there is where I can hide and let my thoughts run free, but even in it I can't let loose... Why?!!

Orh!

I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than attempting to satisfy them. - kaka, 2009

I'm still figuring out how to do this.

Good or bad

How do you determine who is good or bad? If a crook spared your life, was he good or bad? If a doctor maltreated you, was he good or bad?

Do we need to feel guilty to our friends?
If someone goes to buy something, and you feel like getting something too but lazy to go, would you ask them to get it for you? If they do get it for you, do you feel some form of guilt towards them?
Conversely, if you were the friend that went to get things for your friend, would you expect to be appreciated? or in that sense, wish them to feel guilty by? Friendship aside, you might not do it for a stranger, so what rules are there to dictate these expectations and behaviour?

If a friend did things for you out of his way, you might feel he treated you well. But what does that transaction actually involve? What are the unwritten rules, if any in the first place? Conversely, if you did things for your friends, would your expectations be the same? 

The issues might seem to be trival but how or what greater law governs these feelings, behaviours and thoughts? Our experiences guide and shape our perception. But what monitors and defines them? How do we implicitly know things we were never taught, had never experienced or not even conciously aware of? Does religion adequately fills this void? Or is there something more? What is it?

Is this the void in which evil, unhappiness, greed and all other unpleasantries of 'pandora's box' originates from? Is this the source and pool in which they reside in? Must human nature encompass this abyss to be complete? Can we function without this void?

Man... I'm tired...

Running away

Had an interesting conversation tonight...

The essence of the topic was perception; specifically, was it necessary to leave SG for my goals? Were my goals necessary in the first place? I always tot they were, but now it seems, i have doubts.

She said: "ppl start to develop diff taste when they have something to compare against." If I never left SG ever before, would I still feel it was necessary or 'good' in that sense to have left? I answered in all honesty, NO. Cause we would never know what the world have to offer and so without a basis to compare, we can't know or judge whether it's good, bad, right or wrong. But, I countered: " Without knowing, I will always feel like there's something more to just where I am and thus keep trying to find what exactly are these other things that are on offer that i compare with." This then raised the idea, so in general, coming over here does not seem like a necessary decision is it now? It seems like its more of a want...

If I'm here without necessity, what am I doing here really? Am I really here to pursue my dream, my passion, my goals? Or, am I simply 'finding' or hiding or running? She said: "One day, you should stop finding. And convert finding into 'knowing and believing'. That's when life truly begins" That just about sums up my fears. Do I really want to stop 'finding'? Honestly, I don't think I want life to begin. I feel that the moment I stop finding is the moment i stop living. I'll feel stagnated and bored once i stop 'finding'. That's why i'm here i think. The true reason behind the many I tot were true and used as a security blanket to live on. She adds: "you need to beat the red light, not just stop". Interesting, if it were driving, i'm sure she would have failed. but in life, I think I lack that leap of faith.


Is this due to a lack of courage? or fear? or over-conscientiousness? OR Is this rationalizing? or thinking or over-analyzing? I'm confused. What I'm certain is, I'm still 'finding' and time is running out...

Reborn!

Woohoo!!

Its been such a long time... Actually, I had a whole string of nonsense stored in queue waiting to be posted on this blog when I got it started in 2007. After leaving the corporate world, ironically, it seemed I had less free time for such activities. Alas, this space started rotting away... Finally, I'm back! Inspired by frenz and family, its time to speak out here again. I'll take this opportunity to thank my wife specially for giving me the space and time to focus on all I wish to pursue. This is for you... Love, Me